Even the comedies have love elements and the dramas, sex scenes. You don’t get that in Alien and if Sigourney Weaver makes you think about sex and/or romance then I don’t think this guide is for you anyway.

Step 5: Lie to your Friends – your guy mates will convince you that it’s a great night to go out and meet girls. “They’ll be easy to talk to tonight”, they’ll say. No, they won’t. Keg parties don’t exist, attractive girls don’t suddenly approach you at the end of an hour and a half plot, and you’re bad dancing is no more endearing today than it normally is. On top of this, they will all disappear with their girlfriends, that they claim not to be under the control of, within an hour.

Step 6: Drink Gin – Misery loves company and from what I have heard none more so than Gin.

Step 7: Donate to charity – Don’t be alarmed this is purely for your benefit. By donating to Africa you can convince yourself you are above all this rubbish. There are far more important things going on in the world aren’t there? Of course there are.

Step 8: Embrace your anger – Irrationally shout at the television, make a list of who irritates you beyond belief and laugh (out loud if you like) at the people at school who were no way near as popular as you. They may well be millionaires by now but thanks to step 3, we’ve dodged that bullet. It is worth noting, you should destroy the aforementioned note. If something should coincidentally happen to any of them overnight, it won’t look very good for you.

Step 9: Don’t let them win – Sleeping pills and passed out by 8pm? Who do you think you are? Paris Hilton? You must stay up all night. In any case, step 4, might make sleeping difficult depending on the severity of your selection.

Step 10: Pray – Not the Take That number. We may be desperate and need for one day a year but we’re not quite there yet. I mean actual praying to some higher being. No matter what I have convinced you over the last 9 steps and 24 hours, you do not want to be in this same dismal situation in 12 months time.